PMSing


I know that my red flag days are gonna be up anytime soon that’s why I am like this.

Simple things at work get me irritated. I can’t concentrate (but I’m not really sure if I had to connect this to PMSing coz I seem to have ADD even on regular days).

Waking up with aches in almost all parts of my body—my lower back, my boobs, my head. It’s just all over! I don’t wanna get up.

Craving for all sorts of tastes. Yesterday, it was the sour taste, that’s why I had Love Potion #31 at Baskin Robbins. The raspberry-flavored ice cream was heavenly. Earlier today, I was craving for something sweet, I deprived myself though. Instead, I went shopping for a dress. Haha. Ang lala. I just saw a white, straight-cut dress displayed in one shop and found it irresistible. Tomorrow, I wonder what I would be craving for?

Uncomfortable feeling during heavy days! If I’m even luckier, I would also have pimples. Like right now, I have two pimples on my forehead.

As of today, I am still on my PreMenstrualSyndrome stage. I try to divert my attention on other things, trying to avoid self-pity moments. It’s a good thing that my new colleague is a bit understanding about me being irrational and all lately.

Talking to people about other stuff other had also been able to keep me busy and occupied. A friend asked me about where to download a certain digital copy of book which he couldn't find and I gladly put my internet skills to test. It took me probably a couple of hours to get it and even if I didn’t, I would not stop until I get it.

PMSing can make me a bit persistent than normal. I notice simple details and lapses and it easily makes me angry. It’s just crazy.

What I hate the most is the idea that I am well-aware of my being irrational at these times of the month and I can’t help but still be on that behavior. It’s just difficult to manage. Sometimes, telling people that I am PMSing can also be a bit embarrassing.

Hayst. As it was mentioned in my morning TEDtalk piece which I forgot all about the title, the speaker said: “if we want to be successful, don't focus on the goal, focus on the behavior.”  


How do I do that while PMSing?


My Life in One Word

Papa dropped me off at the pedestrian bridge right after this afternoon church service. This is unusual coz I usually attend the morning church service and spend the afternoons on other stuff I had scheduled for the day.

As I was making my way up the wet and a bit muddy stairs, I was trying to find a description of my life. Then came the word “boring” to which I shake my head and gave a deep sigh while making my way down the other side of the bridge. I shook my head, this is the effect of too much browsing on social media and forgetting the important stuff.

My life my really seem to be “boring” compared to how it was before.

I work the normal work hours, the normal work days. Weekends just got opened recently since the language class was over. But I am enrolled again for higher studies, I’m still occupied on the weekends. Though I made sure to free up my Sundays for fambam moments and as a breather before the new week begins. Saturdays are usually for house chores, just staying at home and pretending to be busy studying or flipping pages of one of the books I had started to read but never get to finish just yet. I don’t usually do a lot of morning chores, but if I have to, it would: feeding the fishes on two separate tanks, settling the chickens around the backyard where they can go around and feed them as well, sweeping the yard and picking up the goldmines excreted by our to grumpy dogs. Then, my laundry and other things that needed attention. Cooking is under dire circumstances only. 

Weekdays are the same or crazy specially when a colleague needs to be absent without prior notice. Scheduling and delegating students to new teachers are never easy tasks. Or covering for one. After school, I need to be out at exactly 5pm so I can catch the bus specially on rainy days coz if I miss it, that would mean traffic along with other stressful commuter problems that goes with it.

Not so much time for hanging out, travelling, shopping or trekking nor taking photos.

Taking a deeper look into my life, it ain’t actually boring. It’s a blessed one.

I have a Godly family. I have supportive parents and siblings. I am going through a lot of frustrations right now, yet they still manage to tell me that it will be ok and to just let things flow. I have very minimal shares for expenses at home and for my youngest sister’s tuition fee, yet I don’t hear anything from them. I don’t know until when. Hahaha. But really, much as I enjoy my job here in the Philippines, I know that I can do more and share more if I move out for a few years.

I have a great tito and tita whom I am living with right now. Seeing them every day and sharing with their daily skits and jokes, I couldn’t wish for nothing else but a good relationship like theirs. I’ve seen them have misunderstandings and I’ve seen them reconcile. It’s nothing perfect yet it’s real.


I have amazing set of friends online and offline. I seem to have all types of them. The ones I can talk about sensible stuff, about my desperate and hopeless romantic musings, accept my “sabaw” moments, tell me when I am acting stupid, overthinking or losing myself. They are also the ones that remind me that everything has its own perfect time and that I should never, ever lose hope.

Most of all, I am blessed coz I have faith that He will give me my heart’s desires and He will give me the best ones so I can also do more for others.

I would like to think that this is just a phase. As a reminder from my cousin, I should just take care of myself right now because I am my capital to my bigger goals. Life right now may feel like a "boring" one just because I am preparing for something grander. This is also a time pay attention to things that really matters as a reminder why I do what I do.

Sa ngayon, kapit lang muna sa pangrap. Wag bibitaw. 

Remembering.

It was over. I remember staring blankly at the transparent roof. I was seated at one corner of the shop and I had no care what was going on. It was over. It kept running into my head. Repeatedly. I remember sitting at the same spot with my Peppermint Ginger Tea, staring blankly at the roof if I keep looking up or watching people come and go if I keep looking down. I remember fighting the tears from running down my face that entailed a tightened feeling inside my chest and I just had to endure it. After so many years, I came back here today for a different purpose yet, I still remembered. Maybe I didn't really forget or maybe I chose not to forget. I wonder why.

Then, its time to collect the book, notebook and pen. The ride home has arrived.


posted from Bloggeroid

Randomthoughts 20 Sept 2016

8:51PM

1. Pagkatapos nito, matutulog na ko.

2. Laging masakit ang ulo ko lately. Nakakatamad at nakakapagod magsalamin. I know. I know. Oo na, bukas magsasalamin na ulit.

3. Masakit sa ulo ang mga balita. Isa pa yan!

4. Anong updates about rehabilitation of affected islands in Batanes?

5. Yung manonood lang ako ng balita pero gusto ko magmura nang pagkalutung-lutong. Gusto kong batuhin ng kamatis ang TV, gusto kong sigawan ang mga senators o kaya i-pa-sit in the corner or face the wall sila, anakngtokwa eh! Parang mga bata kung magsi-asta. Eto namang si De Lima, hanggang sa hukay, magdedeny, kunsabagay, she dug her own grave on the day that she disapproved of Duterte.

6. Half-way na ko sa paper ko na due sa Saturday aka third draft. Yahooo! Promise bukas tapos na yun :)  Di ko nga actually alam kung anong isusulat ko eh. Pero, ayun, sulat lang nang sulat ayon sa naintindihan, pwede naman magtanong kapag na-sabaw. Haha

7. Kapag kasabay ko si crush, ramdam kong male-late ako. Hayst. Crush turned curse. Sadness.

8. Sabi ko kanina, kapag nasimulan kong i-encode yung assignment ko, reward ko tong, walang kwentang paghahanash at pagsulat nito.

9. Buti na lang walang tindahan ng froyo na malapit sa school, kung may yoghurt man, eh yung nasa grocery, kasi baka ika-bankcrupt ko ang pagkain nito. Ang sarap eh! Ang sarap ng asim!

10. Napanaginipan ko kagabi na nalaglag yung 2 ngipin ko, tapos nicheck ko sa meaning of dreams, sabi dun: "it denotes unhappy states that the dreamer will be plunged into from no carelessness on his part." Eh lagi naman akong malungkot at may sumpong lately, may bago pa ba?

11. Kapit lang sa pangarap. Matutupad din ang lahat!

12. Sa ngayon, antok na talaga ko.

13. Hanggang ngayon, di ko pa rin alam if yung gutom ang may sala kung bakit ako laging inaantok or yung antok ang may sala kung bakit ako laging gutom. Which is which?

14. Kahit kelan talaga, nakakagutom mag-isip. At nakakaantok mabasa ng textbook. LOL

9:05PM

MIBF 2016



I didn't get any books this year. Not even a list of pending reads like last year. Today, I bought an audio cd for kids in church and a dvd of Parables for All Ages. If I didnt walk out of the Grolier booth, I probably had bought that Talking Pen for my Talking English set.

The comic set of Trese I was saving for was already sold out. With the overwhelming number of people going around and the long lines were already exhausting sights to see.

Noringai was there for a book signing activity. I am a darn fan of her wittiness, practical and hilarious love quotes. I follow her on Tumblr but she had not updated it for quite awhile.

Last year, I were with my siblings, this year, I went alone as my sibs had their own stuff to do today as well. Maybe that's another thing that made it not-so much fun this year.

Still, MIBF is a yearly thing I look forward to. Maybe next year will be better :)

I culmimated Sunday with a frozen yoghurt I had been craving for since the day I first tasted it. That was last week, after watching Train to Busan. 😂

The taste was quite overwhelming this time. But still, it's a favorite!

posted from Bloggeroid

The Tony

Last night, after the online class and taking down notes for my own studies, I watched Brooklyn. Of all people, I didn’t realize until last night that it was a recommendation coming from a guy who had to ask me a few times before I gave into the idea that I really should watch it. Coz for sure, I probably would get the same question next week. Haha.

It’s a love story set in the famous Brooklyn, New York, thus the title Brooklyn. A love story between two immigrants: Eilis (pronounced as /Ey-lish/) an Irish girl who came all the way from Ireland in search of career growth and Tony, an Italian blood boy, who grew up in New York.
 
It also depicted the struggle with homesickness of working away from home and different coping ways people do to survive. True enough, homesickness can make one deeply sad, but it doesn't kill you. Along the way, it also showed that no matter where we go, we will meet strangers who would be there to rescue us just in time.

Love found its way at a weekend Irish dance. The Italian boy would always come to the said weekend ball, just because he likes Irish women. Tony knows “what” he wanted. Then one weekend, he suddenly knew “who” he liked the most.

It was a typical love story I might say. So typical.

Tony asked Eilis out for a date then more dates. Reserved and a gentleman.
Tony asked Eilis if he can take her to meet his parents. Serious enough.
Tony would pop up to pick up Eilis after her night classes. Supportive.
Tony shared his dreams to Eilis. Persevering and ambitious.
Tony convinced her to marry him. Witty and possessive.
Tony wrote her letters. Romantic.

Tony waited for her to come back to Brooklyn. Faithful and loyal.

I cried a lot. Good thing I had a pack of tissue prepared and I still have a few rolls. Thinking about it, I probably would have cried the same amount if I watched it at the cinema before.

I am a self-confessed hopeless romantic, nonetheless, the love story I am wishing for is just like that in the movie. Not so much bold moves, big surprises and giddiness. It was a love story that had flowed smoothly and patiently. And two adults talking honestly to each other. Supportive of each other.

I guess that’s real love, no matter where you go, you will always come back to the arms of the person you chose to love. And you would also be patient enough to wait for their return.

Oh I’m crying again. Arghhh…..

I Would Still Be Where You Left Me

Going to work has been quite a little bit heavy the past few weeks and I really don't have anybody to talk about it. I want to talk about it but I don’t think anybody would care to listen and understand. Coz, I myself can’t understand or maybe I am really just a difficult person to work with or maybe I really can’t be trusted with secrets or anything.

Last Sunday, I asked him about one of his actions over dinner, but he never seemed to acknowledge the question and hasn't even texted back that he had gotten home safely. I haven’t heard from him since then. What have I said wrong?

Then this morning, in school, I joked about him (my sole guy co-teacher) being the lucky one among the group since he has a boyfriend while us girls are all single. One of us was a newbie and it’s her first week. He said that I should have waited for him to divulge about his private life. I really thought that he is okay with his sexuality. Maybe I really had gone below the belt on that one. I didn’t realize that it was a foul because he seem to throw sarcastic jokes on me ever since and I am just okay with it. Then he said, I don't deserve secrets because I couldn’t keep one. As if his status is a secret.

Those events had been making me think about what kind of person am I and becoming.

Am I too straight-forward? I seem to have an idea about his actions but I had no courage to ask him personally about what he did when we were having dinner. I can’t erase it out of my head. It keeps playing slowly and I really just wanted to know if he was aware of what he did, if it was intentional or it was a habit, but it was a first time for me to see him doing that since the first time we met.

Am I really unworthy of anybody’s trust? The silent treatment is bearable and I really don't give a f*^& what they tell other people about me, I just can’t accept the idea that I can’t be trusted. Maybe I am really not worth it? How can I even doubt my self?

It feels slightly heavy in my heart. Enough to give me hard time having deep sleep or waking up at unholy hours. What do I have to change to be better?

For the meantime, let me start with these:

1. I should stop Feeling Close (FC FC) to people. Not because they took time to talk to me and share a part of their life story with me, it doesn’t give an opportunity to just drop jokes regarding their personal lives. Specially when other people are around.

2. I just need to focus on work. Lesser time to talk and connect with others, lesser chances of having misunderstandings with them.

3. Sometimes, it’s better to let go of an idea and stop searching for answers. No matter how “babaw” it appears to be.

It feels so sad.


Both persons are leaving to work abroad anytime soon. And maybe, this is how we bid farewell?

I would like to think that all along, they were just being too nice to me and that point, was the tipping point of it all.

Truly, people come, people go. But I would still be where you left me. Unanswered.