Being at Peace with Time

Dear Diary,

It’s been awhile. I know. I’m sorry to have kept you waiting. 

There’s really not a lot of stories to share lately. My life has just been the “normal” one. I sort of had a “series of heartbreaks” but those are just a teeny tiny bit ones compared to what others are going through right now. Also, the “heartbreaks” were the results of my being stubborn. I should have known better.

If there’s one thing I should keep reminding myself, it will be that time can never be my bestfriend, but I should never see it as an enemy. Not ever. It has always been a neutral dimension for everybody. I keep rushing it, which should never be the case, coz every event has its own “perfect time”. I should have known better, right? Maybe, I just got used to getting things and goals on a specific timeframe. I keep forgetting, that as we spend more time on things and with people, “it” gets complicated or I make “it” complicated. Contradictory to how I deal with my plans in my head: in an ideal space and time continuum. Since reality and how I picture it in my brain aren’t a match, the results are the so-called “heartbreaks”.

In my head, everything is in the “now” I keep forgetting that the verb “wait” applies to me as well just like it does on every one else.

Since, I had put this onto myself, I should also be the one to fix it myself but of course with the help of many wonderful people around me.

Mornings are a bit of calmer these days. I try not to rush myself as I prepare for the day and still manage to come to school on time. I started getting back to the morning and afternoon walks. And every day is different. I should start snapping photos again of my daily walks.

The graduate school summoned me again, so I have three subjects to love this semester. How we will survive the next five months, I will let you know. My main enemy with this one is my “laziness”.

Evening online classes are still up, and I seem to have built a regular pool of interesting clients to talk to every night.

Burgers seem to fill my thoughts lately. I’m gonna have that Zark’s Burger one of these days and I will tell you about it.

I wrote because I really just wanna tell you that I need to make peace with time, we can never really be friends, but at least, I think we should learn how to be at peace with each other. I am writing this, so you’ll remind me.

Oooops, time for bed. Time to read a chapter of the book I’m currently reading. Oh, by the way, I just finished Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. It’s a wonderful book. I hope I can find time to tell you more about it.

Till next time.

Best,

Meow

Somersault Emotion.

August 24, 2016.

I’m still thinking how I would describe this day… I just got back to work after almost 2 two days of being sick. I still tried to run some errands last Monday. Visited some friends and completed a video-demo for another job application. Good thing that my friend’s house was just near the venue, I was able to take a good rest before the taping and quick interview. Come Tuesday morning, I can’t get up from bed anymore. Good thing our on-call “hilot” lady was available and was able to attend to me after lunch. Rest. Then, Wednesday arrived.

Today is the start of the online release of results for the July 2016 JLPT.

I didn't pass. I missed it by 3 points.

I was kinda prepared for the heartbreak. I knew in my heart that if I pass, it would really be by grace and if I fail, I knew that I what I had tried to learn from the past few months weren’t really enough just yet. Mainly because I became careless and complacent.

I feel sorry for myself for not being so focused. My uncle mentioned that I really lack prioritization. Staying late nights with friends some times or he would catch me watching movies on my laptop. But really, it probably were those days that I went out to have some fun. I shouldn’t have done that sooner. I also remember those early morning alarms that I had to dismiss because I don't wanna get up from bed just yet. The ultimate “manana habit”. Also, accepting proofreading jobs in the midst of review and a week before the exam, had really made me lose focus.

I feel sorry for the people who gave me support regarding this matter. It breaks my heart to relay the news to them.

Colleague who really helped me a lot in the reviews:
G: Ok lang yan Kat. Kung tutuusin, isang linggo ka lang talaga nag-aaral. Wasak naman kasi yung weekend classes mo eh!

Classmate in Nihonggo class:
T: Close na sa passing. Galing pa din. Easy na sayo pag-retake. Don't be sad na J

Bestfriend:
M: You did your best, right?

I’ve sent an FB message to our Sibs group, but I was only seenzoned by my youngest sister.

While having a flashback on how the last 5 months had gone by, there were really days that I had slackened off. Had I kept my focus, I probably wouldn’t be writing it this way. There was no one else to blame but me. Though, it was true that the weekend classes were too lax and sometimes, the teacher didn't even really teach, I should have made my own actions then and there. I shouldn’t have joined the bandwagon of slacking off. I was having so much fun and gotten too overwhelmed by little praises that easily went into my head and got way over confident than what is necessary. I had built a small comfort zone, falling short-sighted of my initial goal why I am studying.

Phonecall after the exam:
Papa: Oh kumusta yung exam mo?
Me: Ang hirap po Papa.
Papa: Ok lang yan. Kapag hindi nakapasa, eh di mag-take ulit. Pero ipanalangin natin na makapasa ka.
Me: Oo nga po eh. Thanks Pa.

This is will be the first exam that I will re-take ever. The ones that had failed never had second chances. Papa passed the CPA board exams on his second take. So maybe, I will pass this exam on my second take as well? Coz, I am his daughter.

Second chances. Second chances. I hope second chances really do give a chance.

It’s a good day after all. I want the plain vanilla sundae from McDonalds, but I have sore throat and slight fever. So, maybe when I am better. For the meantime, re-align focus. I never thought that my dream of working in Japan would be this tedious. Too early too give up on my dream though.



Today is a Good Time to Return the Favor

Rhaine: Ang layo na ng narating ng mga lapis mo Cher Kat!
Me: Sana mas malayo pa ang marating ng mga taong may gamit ng mga lapis na yun.

I didn’t realize until yesterday that I had set this meet up on my birthday. We haven’t seen each other for 2 years now and that I really don't know when we will be seeing each other again after this, the meeting went on. I know I owe him dinner and coffee. His family sort of adopted me when I accomplished a Flight project bound for CDO. Lala, a fellow blogger introduced me to his family who welcomed me in their humble abode for the weekend. He then introduced me to the boys of the CDO Boys Town.

Today is a good time to return the favor.

I was mainly the one asking a lot of questions about what he does right now. First he gave me updates about the recent outreach they had done to a Lumad community situated in the remotest corners of Bukidnon, how volunteer teachers had started to settle in the community to teach them survival numeracy and literacy. I believed him when he said “remotest”. I saw the pictures he tagged me onto on Facebook. About the stiff ascents, the wall-kissing deadly walks and vine grabs they had to endure just to reach the very secluded yet almost dying tribe. He said that it was a 10-hour adventure, 2 hours of which had lasted for the wall-kissing activity, walking onto a very narrow path so they can go to the other side of the mountain. He said it was almost 18 mountains trekked in total. A normal activity for Lumads.

I had a very crazy day in school. My partner teacher was absent and the new teacher was still trying to adjust to our very crazy environment and hearing his stories over roast beef made it all a crazier day.

I told him I cannot do what he does right now, maybe had I dreamed of doing it when I was a little younger, I wouldn't have second thoughts, but now, the least I can do send all my support. I also told him to write about what he does, what he realized and what we can do from our end. I asked if they also get debriefs after every immersion. He said, "No. Sanayan na lang din. Ngayon ko lang din na-share tong mga to kasi nagtanong ka." 

These communities don't deserve pity nor they deserve to be uprooted from where they are currently situated. They got there first before those capitalists discovered that those lands are lucrative. These indigenous people deserve to be recognized and be respected as a metropolitan, educated Filipino would have been. We can learn a lot from them. Their use of indigenous products, organic farming cultural beliefs and rituals. They deserve to live with utmost dignity just like those people living on the plains.

His facebook page is filled with pictures of pristine nature scenes, hidden waterfalls, secluded beaches. Mostly the perks of his job. Then I urged him to write about what he does. I can only imagine that would be an additional task for him knowing that he has a lot of things on his plate. Documentations and tons of pictures to select from, all of which bears a story.

Me: Please pray for me para mas marami pa akong maitulong sayo para sa kanila.
Rhaine: Mamili ka, gano karami bang prayer warriors ang kelangan mo? There’s the rehab, the prison, the orphanage and the indigenous people.
Me: Pwede bang silang lahat? Hehe. Given a chance to visit the Lumads, you know I would.

We parted ways around quarter to 9pm. Yes, I still have curfew at 30. Beat that.

My takeaways from this rendezvous? It takes a lot of courage to take that step of choosing what would really make your life meaningful. We find meaning in our lives when we touch the lives of others. I knew that from his face, beaming with pride and satisfaction about what he does right now. Teaching is the best job in the world. A small donation can go a long way, miles away, even up in the mountains.

Rhaine: Ang layo na ng narating ng mga lapis mo Cher Kat!
Me: Sana mas malayo pa ang marating ng mga taong may gamit ng mga lapis na yun.