Dear Gay Friends,


How are you all? 

There's just so much hatred everywhere. It's much intense than ever before based on my observation. So, I really wanted to know how are you all. 

I will never understand your inner battles but rest assure that I am trying my best to understand you as individuals who, just like any other boy or girl, wants to make a mark on this world-- a space of recognition and utmost acceptance. 

I will never understand your inner battles against the known truth about sexuality and the expectations of this society. 

I will never understand anything about why some people hate you and condemn you so much without even knowing you. 

I will never understand why you gay people love sex the way you have it. I don't need to know anyway. 

I will always admire your bravery to stand up for yourself and what you want. From the moment you chose to follow your heartbeats, you became your own heroes. 

I had nothing much to say. I really just want to ask how are you all doing amidst this chaos? My opinion on the subject would not matter. This is something way way out of my control. What's under my control is my connection with you. 

I just want you to know that are loved as you are. That's the least I can do to the people who made me feel loved as well. 

I see myself in no position to tell you what is right and what is wrong. You are a human being born with utmost intellect capacity to make your own decisions. 

I am in no position to judge you for anything since I also had my shortcomings and misunderstandings on matters and my own sins. 

This world is full of deceit, temptations and lies. If ever you've grown tired and weary, all I can share to you a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on. A safe space to vent out your frustrations, dreams and aspirations. 

You are in my prayers. May you find the love, peace and acceptance wherever you go. Rest assure that amidst this unending chaos, you have a friend in me to come home to. 

My ultimate aim is to share my faith where I constantly find God's promises true and meaningful, where I constantly find peace and blessed assurance that everything happens for a reason. I want to share it in such a way that I don't need to tell you about it, instead I want you to see it in me. It's a very tough battle, for sure I know that you know that. 

Finally, thank you for letting me in your lives. For accepting my as your dear friend. 

I look forward to sharing more life stories with you all. 

Love,
Kat


A Letter to the Past


I was really shocked when I saw your name popped up on my Messenger Box.

I felt that you are having a heavy heart at the moment. Maybe that's what had pushed you to talk to me. You asking about my opinion about you. I thought it would be easy. Then I realize, it would mean I would have to go back from the time I had first met you, to the time we started going out, to the time became us and the time we broke up. It’s like opening that chest of memories that is filled with roller coaster ride of emotion that lead to a bittersweet downfall. 

I always want to remember you as the good person I had come to know.

Just like before, you started talking to me because you are having issues with some other girls. You haven’t told me, I haven’t asked, I just felt it.

You are adventurous. Most likely that’s the thing that had drawn me to you. Your love for adventure and nature.  You are simple. So simple that you are contented with whatever you are having at the moment.  You are generous. You had helped me in so many ways. With me, you had been a typical boyfriend you ought to be.

Whenever people ask why we got separated, I always put the blame on me. It was me who started all the mess. It was me who got bored and made that stupid mistake. Until now, maybe a part of me haven’t forgiven myself yet and makes me always think that I can never be enough for someone.

Then I realize, maybe the mistake did not just occur at the time I thought I wanted things between us to be over. It had started from the very first day we became a couple. We never became friends first. We were online chat-mates turned lovers. Everything happened in a rush. We engaged in actions that we were not supposed to do. We crossed lines. With mutual consent, but still, it wasn’t the right thing to do.

The good sense of adventure was also the same thing that ruined us. And maybe until now for you? I am not sure. I fell so easy and then I fell out as fast. As for you, as far as I know, I was replaced as quick as possible. You found your security in the arms of another girl. Would that have anything connected with manly pride? You got me so easy and so you can replace me so easy as well? I don’t know.  

I tried dating a few times after we broke up. Obviously, it didn’t work out for me and the other guy. I tried, but later on, I just realized that I had to drop it and make amends with myself and my family. More than me, I knew that it was family who had been deeply hurt and disappointed with my actions.
 
Again, I always want to remember you as the good person that you are. Whatever you are going through right now, I hope you could find peace and find the beauty in waiting the way I did. 

Honestly, I still feel a bit impatient every now and then, but that’s the challenge.

Wishing you all the best.



The Second Letter to the Future



How are you? Did you get to read that first letter I sent? If not, oh well, please take time to read. I wrote it for you.

I actually received a reply only to find out that the person who wrote it is gay. I wasn't shocked anyway. He was trying to be cool and reading his letter was fun! I suggest you read it too! I posted it as well. 

You're probably busy? Of course you are! I can't fall for some lazy-ass guy. That happened once, and never again. I've learned. I had fallen for you for so many reasons. Let me think again:

A. You pass my standard of "gwapo" which actually is not that high I was told. It can be equated to emotional maturity which is something I lack.

B. You are witty and make me laugh so hard. 

C. You're straight. Do I still have to explain this one? 

D. You are positive and optimistically-biased. 

E. You can cook. Not that I can't that's why you have to know but I find it fascinating that guys cook. I learned a few dishes on my own. I hope to let you have a  taste of it too! 

F. You dream big! Dreaming big was something I had put off when I fell in love the last time. I look forward to growing together with you. In career, passion and family life. 

G. You support my craziness of watching The Walking Dead. I can't watch this alone. I remember tweeting about it last year. Have you read that? 

H. You watch RomCom more than I do. 

I. You adore your parents so much. 

J. You know how to make my heart melt. 

K. You either have at least five or all of the things on this list. Hahaha. 

Funny how I get to set standards when I keep falling for the wrong guy that when the right guy comes I feel not enough. I maybe pushing you away but really, want I want you to do is stay. 

When can we be together? Living alone gets a bit lonely. Don't you agree? I seem to have this sense of being assumptive of things and may think that things are alright when apparetly they aren't. So, you gotta tell me. We should communicate.

The truth is, you don't have to have any of those on the list. You just have to be you and real. You just have to be truthful

For now, this is a one-way story. No communication until you reply :( 

I've learned a lot of things the hard way, done things I am not proud of yet I never stop praying that you will come my way. But I guess I can never be ready. So surprise me! 




Nothing Else but Drafts

I am cleaning out the drafts on my page, as they pile up and up, I feel that I won't be able to complete them anymore. There is nothing else to write about it anymore. 


24 June 2014
I haven't stopped stalking on you. I know its not ok. I know its not right. And it has to stop. I dont know how to set myself free from all these mess I've made out of myself.
*****

02 July 2014
Umuulan. Nagising ako sa ulan.
Kumukulog. Takot ako sa kulog.
Kumikidlat. Ang liwanag ng kidlat.

Takot ako sa malakas na ulan, kulog at kidlat.
*****

13 August 2014
Finding my destiny.

I am excited. I am excited to know what would become of me 7-8 months from now. As the end of my contract is fast-approaching, career counseling, personality tests and leadership seminars are being spearheaded for our batch.

As per Myers-Briggs Test Inventory (MBTI), my career personality type falls under Extrovert-iNtuitive-Thinking-Judging (ENTJ).
*****

28 August 2015
7:48 PM
 It was holiday, yet it felt like it was just declared holiday so that teachers like me could catch up with the administrative requirements of this job.

I stayed overnight with my family, however, I felt the urge to go home early because I still have a lot papers to finish and forms to fill-out. #ihatedoing
*****

22 September 2014
 I had just finished watching an episode of Drop Dead Diva Season 4 kung saan ang....
*****

04 November 2014
It had been awhile that I had gone on a real date. Goin into one right now seems a bit uneasy and a bit awkward. What do I do? How do I act? What do we talk about? 
*****

05 November 2014
I'm a complainer. I complain about a lot of things.

I'm a complainer. A constant complainer at that. Especially about the hot weather we have.
*****

11 January 2015
All in all, talking to him made me doubt my capabilities.
Am I really trying to put myself in a place that I am not fit in?
*****

03 March 2015
Facebook has become a platform for some to achieve that Self Entitlement of...
*****

01 April 2015
cinderella was scared to meet the prince

I have no carriage, I am no....
*****

04 April 2015
I suffer so much. Heavy breathing, endless sneezing, teary eyes and runny nose.
*****

06 May 2015
Naayos ko na yung itinerary ko. BIR --> Philhealth --> Landmark --> Uwi. Ganyan lang talaga dapat. 
*****

19 May 2015
I want to write about......

1. My struggles as an Open Univ student
2. Celia Veloso and the countless comments about her and her daughter
3. The beliefs and practices when a family member is dead
4. Why I don't care about MayPac boxing match which the whole world is anticipating later today.
5. A person asking if a certain person and I are together, I later found out that that person was an "ex" of the friend.
*****

02 June 2015
Gusto kong magsulat tungkol sayo. Gusto kong ikwento kung paano kong kiligin kapag kausap kita. Kung paano kitang gustong harutin paminsan-minsan. Kung gaano kalungkot ng araw ko kapag hindi kita nakakausap. Kung gaano ako katakot itanong sayo nang derechahan kung ano ba talagang meron tayo.
*****

03 June 2015
I always say that if there's one thing I got from you, it must be your determination or as mama calls it, "tigas ng ulo". It had became a family joke eventually, that my being stubborn, I got it from you.

You showed me about tough love. You taught me through tough love.
*****

18 June 2015
I thought I was the only one having a hard time getting old until I've read somewhere online about Lady Gaga having the same agony in life. How good it felt to realize that I am not alone on this dilemma. I am not alone, right?
*****

19 June 2015
Like and Love aren’t even spelled out the same. Moving forward, I'm just gonna keep putting that love out there as I wait for my prayer to be fulfilled in God's most amazing way. 
*****


Randomthoughts 18 June 2015

4:25 AM

Antagal ko ng walang random post. Once a month dapat meron.

1. Feeling ko sobrang toasted ang brain ko lately. Dami ko lang iniisip.

2. I'm back to nightshift. It was a choice I had made hindi dahil ayoko ng magturo kundi gusto ko munang .... hindi ko rin alam... So, you see, I'm at lost again.

3. Laging tanong yan sakin, bat ako bumalik dito. Ang hirap sagutin. Promise.

4. May hinihintay ako. Nag-attempt akong makakuha ng sagot, sabi nya tatawagan nya ko, pero hindi nya ginawa. One of these days, sana makonsensya sya at tawagan nya ko dala ang isang magandang balita. Napakagandang balita. Kung hindi naman, ok lang. Iiyak ako. Tapos G! na sa Plan B.

5. Nakita ko may ka-holding hands ka sa picture.

6. Mood swings. Oh mood swings.

7. Andami kong babasahin. Pero andami ko din dapat i-OT. So, yeah, pa-flip-flip lang.

8. Parang itong buong taon to, mauubos ko yata sa realignment ulit ng buhay ko?

9. Gusto ko lang magsulat nang magsulat pero wala naman akong mabuong may katuturan, ending tuloy puro na lang backspace or delete or select all then delete.

10. Yung totoo, gusto ko lang umiyak.

4:47 AM


Ely

Im sorry for scolding you last Sunday noon. Im not sorry for crying in front of you that time though. I wanted you to know that I care so much for you. I really just can't understand you most of the time, nonetheless, I love you so much and I know how much you deeply love us too. 

Your hands are wrinkled, your hair all gray, your back and shoulders a little bit bent already from the many years of hardwork and labor. 

Whenever you share your struggles as you try to look back how our family survived--- sending 2 kids to college, 2 high schools simultaneously while supporting family needs with a very meager pay as an employee and as tricycle driver, I can't stop the tears from flowing down my eyes. It was a tough stage. Before that, you even tried your luck overseas, but it didnt turn out well like what we hope for.

I always forget that hard stage of our family life maybe because it was so hard that I don't wanna remember the pain we had gone through. 

"Hayaan mong gumawa ang Panginoon sa buhay mo." That's what you would always remind me whenever I argue with you. I am such a stubborn daughter to insinuate my views to my same stubborn father.

Despite every arguments, you are the first person I can think of whenever I feel like I am in trouble. 

You are my hero. I am such a blessed soul to have you as my father. 

With that, I pray that you become lesser stubborn and heed my advice. Our advice. It's time for me and my siblings to give back the love and care you have given us over the years. 

I want my future children to meet you, for you to tell your own story. I want you to tell bedtime stories just like what you used to do for us. 

I want others to know my father, the first man I have been loving eversince I came to life. 

Happy Father's Day Papa! 

Daily Dose of Chicken Soup

It became a habit to flip a book before I sleep. A short story. A poem. A note. 

This time, I had decided to re-read the Chicken Soup for the Soul 101 Stories. Today, instead of just one, I finished 3 and decided to write this before I close my eyes. 

The first entry talks about dreaming big. The second one about having someone as a source of encouragement and the third one about missing a birthday. All of which are things I need to learn in my daily struggle. 

I have dreams. Big dreams and I realize that I haven't really worked hard to achieve it. If I wanna get that article posted, then I should start writing about it. If I wanna ace school, then I should spend more time studying. If I wanna land that dream job, then I should start writing that cover letter and resume. If I wanna travel places, then I should start moving.

I easily gets discouraged. I doubt myself so much. But I try to find encouragement from others that is why I always feel good when surrounded by wonderful people. I need to find the courage to trust myself and others so that I can collect the encouragement I need for my big dreams. 

I am having a hard time getting old. There will be times that the thought of my age delimits me to certain things and feelings. The man in the story celebrated his 110th birthday at a very posh venue with the money he earned when he was 105 years old. 

I have dreams, and I hope to find that person of encouragement and don't let my age stop me from working on something bigger for my life. 

It's Thursday, though it really was a brain-freezing moment at work, having moments like this makes me say it's always gonna be my favorite day no matter what. 

Gusto Ko Po Kasing Umulan


Feeling ko lang antagal kong di nag-blog-blog. Namiss ko tuloy. Dahil mainit ngayon, kumanta ko para umulan naman. LOL. Nakikipagkompitensya din ako sa iyak ng batang neighbor namin.



Maybe
by Ingrid Michaelson


I don't wanna be the one to say goodbye
But I will, I will, I will
I don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly
But I will, I will, oh yes I will

'Cause maybe in the future, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me
I don't wanna be the first to let it go

But I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go
'Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back

You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go

Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head

But I'm gonna wash away,(I'm gonna wash away) oh I'm gonna wash away
Everything till you come home to me
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

In the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back

You're gonna come back to me

Lyrics from Metrolyrics.com