Love Story

Im a sucker for romance. I have this guiltry pleasure of wasting a few hours to have a fill of romance stories. I read PHR and Harlequin stories and lately, wattpad stories. 

I love romance stories maybe because I don't have one of my own, or I wish one for my own or I cant keep one of my own. 

The plot of the stories would sometimes be shallow but still I'd finish the story or there would really be those I would finish with eagerness because I love the flow but for both, the ending would always be the best part. Predictable as it may seem, I would still read the ending that the protagonists ended up together. The elements of the story are there. The setting, characters, conflict, solution and the ending. In the end, the characters would stick together, in love with each other. The same characters who had gone through a lot of challenges, fights and doubts as their conflicts, end up together. 

I have read so many books about love yet whenever I get into a misunderstanding, the only thing I can think of is to turn my back and leave. Because I fear that if I stay a little longer, I'd be the one whose gonna be left behind. In my head, I find it bold to be the first one to leave instead of fighing what I ought to last for a lifetime. Let go and find somebody else. And I call myself learned when I only know one thing. In reality, leaving is for the weak soul. For the scared and for the lost.

In my alter universe, love exists. In my reality, it's the opposite. 

Maybe, that's why hopeless romance exists. Because there are people who really are hopeless when it comes to love. I know nothing else but leaving. I have yet to learn the idea of acceptance, humility, respect and trust.  

Until the day comes that I can put my alter universe reality into my real reality, until I am brave enough to stand up and accept that I am missing a piece, until I am humble enough to accept my fault, until I am strong enough to trust myself that everything will work out fine, until I learn to value the worth of having someone and respect for having that someone, that being together is worth every fight, maybe then, I'd find that love. 

Maybe I'll even write about it. Or I'd be selfish and keep it to myself. Nonetheless, I'd have somebody to share with, fight with and then patch things up with again. The cycle goes while the bond gets stronger. One day I'll wake up being truly brave and ready to trust myself that I can be able to handle things differently. 

Until the day that someone believes I can...

A love story that is mine and that is true. 



Elena.

I will always remember that time when I was lying at the hospital. A few hours after being moved from the recovery room, the doctor said that I am not allowed to talk or open my mouth at all or make any movement for the next 24 hours. I can only drink water by having a wet cloth or cotton damped on my lips. You were there. I slowly woke up and opened my eyes as you lightly comb my hair. You were staring at my face. As I do the same to you.

I notice how old you’ve gone. Your hair had turned gray. Your face had its remarkable age lines. Your skin had wrinkled. Yet, you’re still so beautiful. It was one fleeting moment that I got to look at you. Tears started to fall from my eyes. You simply smiled and wiped them away. You asked if I want water, I nodded and you got me that dampened cotton. I wanted to touch your face. To feel those wrinkles. But I can’t move. It’s as if my whole body was nailed on that bed. All I can do was stare at your face.

I remember you telling us about your childhood days and how it felt growing up with Lola as a your mother. Every command needs to be done right then and there. Delayed responses will cost a sharp piing either on the armpit or on the “singit”. You tell us that not a day goes by without you crying. If one of your younger siblings was heard crying, you will automatically responsible for it and again, you get more pinching. You told them before that you wanted to study for college, Lola said no, and you appealed no further.

I rarely remember the times you said no to us. I clearly remember you line whenever you use a stick on us though. “Ayokong mamalo kasi masakit, pero kapag nasimulan ko na, ang sarap na mamalo.” I shared to you that it was true and that I borrowed your line for use in my classroom.  I also remember our neighbors asking what you feed us because your kids are so smart. You just smile and say that you feed us “gulay” and fish and avoid processed foods like noodles and sardines. Each of us also gets our daily cup of taho from our favorite taho dealer. I wonder how you managed to stretch that Papa’s meager budget to feed us all healthily.

Your childhood had been full of pain, yet you never let us feel that way.

Now that you are back in Lola’ side, I understand why Lola wants you to be the one to take care of her right now even just for a little while. You have that warm and very light hands for touching. It’s very soothing and relaxing. You have soft voice for humming that puts us to sleep. You have that caring heart that cannot say no to anyone in need. Something that is natural in you.

You are that Godly mom every child would be so blessed to have.

If there is a standard on how to be a good wife and mother, you definitely get all A’s on it. If there is an award-giving body for the best mom in the world or the universe, I would definitely nominate you and defend why you deserve that title. I don’t want another mother, but I don’t mind having other mothers just like you around me.

As promised, now that we’re all grownups, we will try to give you that life you deserve. We will try to let you feel how wonderful having you in our lives. We will take care of you, sing for you, take you to places and many more, just ask. 

For the meantime, I guess, let’s be textmates. Update me with what’s going on with you and lola. Tell what kind of things you wanna buy while in there. And oh, your minigrocery is temporarily closed. But Papa opens it every now and then to sell the indian mangoes he harvested from our tree. The kitchen is still intact so as the entire house until further notice. Papa is enjoying the cooking for us until I don’t know when. Sundays are a bit slow with you not waking us up to go to church.
We miss you. Come home soon.

I love you. You should hear us sing that new song Papa had composed for Mother’s Day!


Lost For Words

I don't know how would I start this one. How would I share the story, would I focus on my own feelings or would I try to see things the way she is feeling right now.

She was my college classmate and roommate as well. We spent college together for three years right after we became blockmates as Physics Majors. She was an academic scholar of a distinguished scientific research institution in the country. A great indicator that she has very high IQ.

She had a huge crush on my college bestfriend back then which made me question her real IQ. (I had two bestfriends/classmates in college, both were boys and both were should I say major assholes when it came to girls). They were together for a short while and that's where everything started to change for her. Our dorm house is exclusively for girls and it is next to the all-boys house my bestfriends rented.  We became closer to each other when she moved in with me and another girl classmate.

After one summer, she told me that she and my bestfriend broke up. She said still loves him and that he was her first and was still sleeping with him on his beck and call. Stupid right?! What else can I say?

Until she finally got over him when she met this guy. I can't remember the story of how they met. I remember being invited to his house one day so I could meet him. I never liked him. He was unemployed, lives with his mother for support and loves cock derby. But my friend liked him so what can I do? She sleeps in his place most of the time and we rarely get to talk and see each other except for exams and major subjects lectures. Back then, as an active university facilitator and political party officer and college club president, I had been very busy.

Then, one day, she asked me to dinner at a fastfood restaurant near our dorm and I saw her took some kind of medicine. She said that it was Cortal and drank Sprite to take it in. She said that would prevent pregnancy. She even complained of salivation as she admitted taking too much of it that day. I thought everything would be fine after that.

I never knew about her pregnancy until our roommate told me about it. We really never had the chance to talk to each other. She was placed in the University High School Department for practice teaching while my request to be placed in a high school from my hometown was approved. We kept our room until we were summoned to comeback to school for graduation preparations and group thesis. We were not groupmates as hers included scholars just like her. She graduated Cum Laude while I didn't, I was just a few decimal points away from it. I remember the student services officer telling me to ask one of my teachers to get me a grade just a few decimal higher so I can make it to the cut. I never did that.

A few more months, I am in Manila, she was in Sorsogon. The guy and her finally got married. We kept in touch via SMS and facebook, however, every time we talk, it will be filled with her marital problems. This time, I had been telling her to move away and start anew. Move back to Camarines Norte. She finally did that but still with her then husband. They already had 3 kids.

So, our lives goes on separately and kept ourselves updated through classmates, SMS and facebook.

She had an extramarital affair with a co-teacher. I remember her telling me a few years ago. We remained in contact as I had kept promising her that I will pay her a visit as soon as I visit Calaguas. That was 2010. It never happened as my trip took me to Donsol with other college classmates. Until now, I had never seen her again after graduation.

They would always fight she told me. He would threaten to take away their kids and sue her. The last thing I remember they were still together. She was still holding on.

Until earlier tonight, she posted that she needs help. She is having family issues and in grave need of help for herself and her kids. I was thinking that maybe it was just the same old story and I would be very much willing to listen and probably give the same advice of ditching that guy and starting anew.

But it's entirely different now. A deeper sh*t should I say. She said that she had been issued a warrant of arrest by the local police. She was sued by her own husband for adultery. She had filed a case against the man as well- VAWC- Violation Against Women and Children- she said that she had been a solo parent for two years now.

She is still free because she just begged the police officers to wait until she gets money for bail. She was expecting her midyear bonus for that however, she said that she didn't get one this year. I don't understand why.

I asked if she can contact a social worker about her issue and ask for custody at the nearest DPWH but she never replied to me anymore. That's when everything all started to flashback. All the college memories with her.

I honestly feel helpless. I can't send her money because I am also struggling on my own at the moment. I will just start working on Monday. I can't take care of her children since they live faraway. I can't hug her. I know she needs one right. So bad. She said that her own sister won't help her on this matter, another thing that's making her feel worse.

Had I been more honest to her way in college, would things be different today? Had I been that honest girl that people tell me that I am, that girl who would tell the truth even if it hurts, would she be in a far more happier situation? Had I been there for her more often back then, would she even pursue being with that person? Would my opinion matter at all?

Writing this is painful. What more if she gets to read this. But I know I had to write it down or else I will just live with regrets again.

I wish I can lie to her again and tell her that everything's gonna be alright soon. I was actually lost for words. I didn't know what to say, how to ask her questions that she would answer. I just really wish I can hug her.

I told her to be strong. To not let this situation succumb her wits. To pray. That I would pray for her as well.

I can only wish I can do more for her.

Randomthoughts. 6 May 2015

10:56

1. Eto na yung pinakamatagal na panahong nagbakasyon ako mula sa pagtatrabaho. Last year kasi, halos dalawang linggo lang at nung mag-May, nag volunteer na ko sa Summer Institute, observing and giving feedbacks to incoming fellows. Nakakamiss din pala. 

2. Sabi ko maglilinis ako ng mga gamit ko, pero simula nung mai-box ko ang ilan at mailipat ang ilan, hanggang ngayon, tambak pa rin ang ligpitan sa apartment kung san naiwan ang mga gamit ko. 

3. Si Mama naiwan sa Bicol, with Lolo's passing parang magtatagal pa sya dun. With my youngest sister going to school, alam kong di pa ready sila mama st papa na lumipat ng province. Di ko alam kung hanggang kelan si Motherdear dun :( 

4. Ako ang katabi ni Lola matulog nung mga nakaraang araw na andun ako. Keri lang naman. Pero di pa rin maitindihan kung bakit pumupunta pa sya kwarto ni Mama pag madaling araw para magpa-assist sa banyo o di kaya'y sa paglabas ng bahay. Ganun yata ko katulog mantika?! 

5. Matatapos na din ang semester. Sembreak na in two weeks! Dang! Nawa'y maitawid ko ang mga exams nang matiwasay. 

6. Syempre excited na ko mag-August, resume na ng mga gala! 

7. Rollercoaster ride ang mga nangyari the first quarter and early second quarter of the year. Puro intense should I say. I'm looking forward to a more calm remaining months of the quarter while slowly establishing routines. I can't bear being too emotional for a long time. 

8. Wag mong itatanong sakin kung bakit ako single kung ayaw mong itanong sayo kung bakit ka nagka-blackeye. Lol. Yan yung sagot ko nung tanungin ako ng isang HS friend. Bwahaha

9. Parang gusto ko na lumipat ng province. Ang sikip-sikip na ng Maynila para sa akin. Konting kayod pa nang maagi, matutupad ko din ang aking countryside life. 

10. Merong scar ang left lung ko pero di naman ako nagka-TB, pneumonia. Alam ko lang hikain akong bata. Ayun kaya everytime na magpapa xray ako, kelangan ko ng Clearance mula sa isang pulmonologist. 

11. Ni-suggest ni Doc na mag-face mask ako tuwing nagcocommute para kahit paano ay mabawasan ang paglanghap ko ng mga allergens which is I felt effective naman. 

12. Malapit na ang sembreak. Pero marami pa ding babasahin. Kelangan ko na sipagin basahin ang mga modules at mag pause muna sa pagbabasa ng mga non-fiction books. 

13. Waiter, andyan na ba ang order? 

11:39p'